FuzZ!!!

SOME RANDOM THOUGHTS

I woke up with a start to the music of my ringing cellphone. I had this sudden urge to pick it up and throw it far, disrupting my sleep damned inanimate object!!! I got up and reached for it, but before I could pick it up, black words appeared in white background “1 Missed Call”, huh!! couldn't care less. I tossed the phone back onto my bed. I looked at the clock, 10.30 it read.

Ahh! Third time this week that I overslept and missed my morning classes. My attendance is falling short, but I didn't care. My classes were all boring and encouraged rote learning. They didn't encouraged me to think out of the box. As a child, I was told not to make noise, run around or play free. As an adolescent, I was told to follow the crowd. I was told, not to be different from the rest. Being different meant being crazy. I did not ask, even though I had doubts. I did not comment, eventhough I had strong points in a debate. And I was a normal child they said.

I followed the crowd, entered a rat race where every man is for himself. I outshone the most, I was among the best. Then I met the ones leading the race..... shrewed face, sharp eyes, no emotions. I stopped.

They told me I would be happy this way...... what good is my happiness, my happiness should define my existence itself.

Tcheh!!! I lighted a cigarette and went and sat near the window. Ah! So ecstatic. I knew exactly that this stuff would kill me but it didn't stop me from smoking. The sense of liberation it gives you when the smoke enters your body and causes a havoc. A state of hallucination, it gave patterns to my random thoughts.

It was raining outside. A car just swept by splashing a pool of water in a pothole onto the nearby wall on which letters sfi were written in thick red letters. Been there, done that. I thought about the impulse which made me join the college politics in first year. I thought about the punches and kicks I collected through the time without leaving any. It didn't matter as long as I was receiving attention. I was getting noticed by the crowd. Cynosure. That would pretty much explain why I joined every organization in the college.

Hehe!! what good are my reasons, my reasons should have created a longing for knowledge.

The rain intensified. I saw a couple trying to remain dry under a single umbrella while crossing the road. They seemed happy. An old hindi song came to my mind, “pyaar hua, ikraar hua hai...” I sang.

“Have you ever fallen in love?” I remember John asking me while traveling in college bus. “I mean real love”. I didn't answer, I looked out of the window. Real love eh? I thought about all the characters whom I had given a soft corner in my heart. All those persons before whom my legs trembled and my speech would stammer. All those faces which had given me sleepless nights. A special attraction of sort, but Love? I looked John in his eyes, such passion. I never had that in me. I recollected the phrases thrown around in everyday life “I think I'am in love”, “She is my girlfreind”, “ we had a break-up”. Amusing. I took a deep puff from my cigarette.

What good is my love without a genuine passion.

I sat there observed a group of school children waiting for their bus. Dancing, singing, splashing water at one another. I had this feeling to be among them. If only I could reverse the time and go back to my school days. If only.... a hypothesis. I wonder how many 'if only' one would consider in a single day.

Then, I don't know what provoked me. It was an impulse. The very next moment, I threw my half lit cigarette outside the window, put on my shirt, blasted off my room. I did not care to lock the room. I ran downstairs, outside into the rain. Rain water splattered all over my body.

“hey! You crazy?!?” someone shouted from behind.

"No...." I shouted back "......Happy".

I stood there until it stopped raining.